Insane

A couple of days before I found out I was pregnant, I cried because I wanted a smoothie so bad. All I had to do was go to the store and buy frozen fruit and I would have been set...but I couldn't bring myself to go. Instead, I sat there thinking about the smoothie that I wanted and I just cried because I couldn't have it. Fortunately for me, my parents were at the store and I called to see if they had left yet. They were in the parking lot, but my dad went back in to buy me my frozen fruit so that I could make myself a smoothie. I was a happy girl (although then I felt guilty that he went back inside just for me...but that's a whole different issue). A few days later I found out I was pregnant (VERY shocked) but I was able to look at the smoothie crying incident and laugh because at least it made sense. Well it still didn't...but at least it felt like there was a "reason" I was being so dumb.

I feel like I did when I cried over the smoothie. Now I know I'm pregnant...but I feel like I should be handling this eating plan better. I should be able to see logically that this is better for me and for the baby, and my cravings and random obsession with food should just be non-existent or I should be able to just get over it. Saturday it was cookies, today it is ice cream (which makes me sick, btw, I have to eat VERY limited portions anyway). Today it was also pancakes, myzithra pasta, pizza, and pie. Ice cream is what had me standing in the aisle at Smith's for 10 minutes checking labels to try to find something that I would be "ok" with. I couldn't make myself feel good about any of them, so I went back to the car with yogurt and cottage cheese and almost in tears.

Maybe it wasn't the best idea to start this plan while pregnant. I feel like I'm driving myself insane. Half the time I feel really great and motivated like I can do this and the other half I feel so completely out of control that I just hate myself for feeling like I can't do it. I know that if I were "allowed" these other foods, they wouldn't appeal so much. If I could have just made myself a pancake with buttermilk syrup, I wouldn't have even given ice cream a second thought. I'm just not sure where to draw the line at the moment. Instead, I bought my husband dinner at McDonald's (because he hasn't had it in FOREVER and I was going to eat my "good for me" stuff). I ended up finishing his fries and crying.

Not sure what else to think at the moment. My sister and her friend who are doing this plan are doing SO well and they tell me that if I just push through a couple of weeks then the cravings will go away. The question becomes...how do I make it through the few weeks with my emotions a complete wreck...and what if the cravings don't stop because I have all the added pregnancy hormones on top of my usual food obsessions?

I hate feeling like a failure, and I hate feeling like I'm out of control. That just adds to the emotion and causes a spiral. I'll keep up the blogging regardless, because the accountability is still good...I just need to figure out how much I can really push myself with an eating plan when I'm already pushing myself in so many other ways.

Yeah, not sure how to finish this post because my brain is spinning (there's my ADD again). I guess I'll post more when I can figure out more to say.