Still going

Ok, I made it through the night last night, thanks to having such a loving and supportive husband who is *extremely* patient even when I'm bawling my eyes out about stupid things that don't matter. I messed up a little with the fries, but hopefully not *too* bad. I'm starting today off with something I want, though. Since the shakes are a little too foamy for me when I first make them and since I usually end up eating too much at night, I'm going to attempt to get my heavier calories in the morning instead of hording them all til the end of the day. For this morning, that means not passing up the spinach & paremsean bagel that I've been looking forward to for a week (we get bagels every week at work, and this is my absolute favorite kind!) I was going to attempt to be strong and not eat one, but then I decided to just have it if I want it and just count the calories. It's a lot to start with, but maybe it will help me have a happier less emotional day. Hopefully that will lead to a breakdown free night :-)

So no...I haven't completely given up yet...but I will continue to improvise and rearrange things until I find what's doable for me. I need to just continue to remind myself that I'm the only pregnant woman I know who is going through this, so there isn't anyone to tell me what's normal and what's not when my body isn't completely my own at the moment. All I can do is do my best, and realize that my situation isn't like anyone else's.

For now I'll just keep on keepin' on. We'll see what the rest of the day brings!

Insane

A couple of days before I found out I was pregnant, I cried because I wanted a smoothie so bad. All I had to do was go to the store and buy frozen fruit and I would have been set...but I couldn't bring myself to go. Instead, I sat there thinking about the smoothie that I wanted and I just cried because I couldn't have it. Fortunately for me, my parents were at the store and I called to see if they had left yet. They were in the parking lot, but my dad went back in to buy me my frozen fruit so that I could make myself a smoothie. I was a happy girl (although then I felt guilty that he went back inside just for me...but that's a whole different issue). A few days later I found out I was pregnant (VERY shocked) but I was able to look at the smoothie crying incident and laugh because at least it made sense. Well it still didn't...but at least it felt like there was a "reason" I was being so dumb.

I feel like I did when I cried over the smoothie. Now I know I'm pregnant...but I feel like I should be handling this eating plan better. I should be able to see logically that this is better for me and for the baby, and my cravings and random obsession with food should just be non-existent or I should be able to just get over it. Saturday it was cookies, today it is ice cream (which makes me sick, btw, I have to eat VERY limited portions anyway). Today it was also pancakes, myzithra pasta, pizza, and pie. Ice cream is what had me standing in the aisle at Smith's for 10 minutes checking labels to try to find something that I would be "ok" with. I couldn't make myself feel good about any of them, so I went back to the car with yogurt and cottage cheese and almost in tears.

Maybe it wasn't the best idea to start this plan while pregnant. I feel like I'm driving myself insane. Half the time I feel really great and motivated like I can do this and the other half I feel so completely out of control that I just hate myself for feeling like I can't do it. I know that if I were "allowed" these other foods, they wouldn't appeal so much. If I could have just made myself a pancake with buttermilk syrup, I wouldn't have even given ice cream a second thought. I'm just not sure where to draw the line at the moment. Instead, I bought my husband dinner at McDonald's (because he hasn't had it in FOREVER and I was going to eat my "good for me" stuff). I ended up finishing his fries and crying.

Not sure what else to think at the moment. My sister and her friend who are doing this plan are doing SO well and they tell me that if I just push through a couple of weeks then the cravings will go away. The question becomes...how do I make it through the few weeks with my emotions a complete wreck...and what if the cravings don't stop because I have all the added pregnancy hormones on top of my usual food obsessions?

I hate feeling like a failure, and I hate feeling like I'm out of control. That just adds to the emotion and causes a spiral. I'll keep up the blogging regardless, because the accountability is still good...I just need to figure out how much I can really push myself with an eating plan when I'm already pushing myself in so many other ways.

Yeah, not sure how to finish this post because my brain is spinning (there's my ADD again). I guess I'll post more when I can figure out more to say.

Iron deficiency during pregnancy

So this morning as I'm sitting here at work DEAD tired, it dawns on me that "Oh yeah! I have an iron deficiency...before the new eating plan I had been making sure that I was eating Cream of Wheat at least once a day. I looked up the calories for my yummy Instant packet of goodness and realized that it's 130 calories. Not *too* bad but I would love to conserve those calories for something I might really want later (yes, I'm a calorie hoarder...I realized this long ago...and that's why I always end up with so many calories to still eat at the end of the night!) So anyway, Cream of Wheat for my iron. I started to think about the meal replacement shakes, and thought "Well this is supposed to be a pretty complete supplement...I wonder how much iron this has...". I looked it up, and this lovely information to your left is what I found. YAY!! Now I love Cream of Wheat anyway, but now I don't feel like I HAVE to use my calories towards it unless I want to. 83% in just the one shake, and I'm having two a day. I'm set!

Day 4 - Sunday August 29

I'm not sure I should really be calling yesterday and today days 3 and 4, because I haven't followed the plans either day. After Saturday night, I thought about waking up at my normal time Sunday morning which is literally about an hour before church. This doesn't give me time to drink a shake, let alone grab anything "good" for breakfast. Yup, this is another excuse. I hate "making excuses" for things. I really should be strong enough and disciplined enough to set things up better for myself. Maybe over the next couple of weeks. In the meantime, my mom suggested that I follow the plan during the week then give myself the weekends off if that would help me. It really would, but I don't want to spend the weekend undoing everything that I've done to better my health over the week. I do have to admit it's a good start, at least.

So for now...the shakes and counting are a weekday thing. I need to be more careful on the weekends than I was this weekend. Not following the plan or counting calories over the weekend should NOT mean that I can eat all the cookies my body will allow me to before getting sick, or gorging myself on rolls, or cutting fruits and vegetables out of my life almost completely. I will be more lenient with myself, but I need to at least show that I'm still trying *some*.

In the meantime...I (because I'm dumb) stepped on the scale again tonight. 182. Hrm. My husband keeps telling me that the scale is wrong...but it wasn't going down before, only up. I told him that I'll try not to get *too* excited (again, try) and I'll use the weigh ins at the dr's office every 2 weeks for my "official" weigh in.

Needless to say, I didn't keep track of the food that I ate today. A few leftover cookies from last night, roast, potatoes, lots of rolls, a little bag of Funyuns (like the 3/$1 kind), and I think that's about it. I didn't get much water in, and didn't get my exercise. I need to start making that a priority. Maybe I'll fire up the Wii Fit tomorrow. We'll see how much ambition I have after a full Monday of work :-)

Day 3 - Saturday August 28

So here's where the accountability comes in. This is why I have this blog. I made it through my first cheat, made my shakes, and ended up sleeping most of the day. Stupid emotions. I blame the pregnancy for the story I'm about to tell (well...because I can...and I only have 2 more months of the blaming pregnancy thing, hehe).

So yesterday ended up being a "stop keeping track" day. After sleeping all day and my extremely emotional week (I won't go into too much detail...but both work and home had worn me out completely) I decided that I just wanted to go to my sister's house, play games, and eat pumpkin chocolate chip and snickerdoodle cookies. I even texted my supervisor to find out where she had gotten them for the meeting yesterday, hehe.

I felt guilty at first, then I realized that even with an off day here and there...I'm doing my best at any given time. I still have 2 days of being really good behind me, and my home scale now says 185. Again, I know that I wasn't going to get on more than once a week, but it was going to be Saturday night or Sunday mornings, so it's perfect timing anyway. I'm not counting on the 5 lbs staying off (and again that wasn't necessarily my goal *while* pregnant anyway) but it's good to see that the work did have results even with me being dumb today.

So...picking myself up and dusting myself off from my immediate fall...and starting again.

Cheated Already

After making it through yesterday...I cheated first thing this morning. I didn't have my shakes or anything ready, and just last week I bought a huge box of Rice Krispie Treats from Costco. This morning, I just had to have one. So not worth the 90 calories. I mean...it tasted sosososo good...but now I just want everything that I can't have. I just want to go on a full blown eating rampage today. There's something about being at home instead of work. I have PLENTY that I could be doing, and really needs to get done...but after working so hard all week I just want to be lazy and eat junk and enjoy my day.

I plan on giving myself some cheat days (for my baby showers, and things like that) but today wasn't supposed to be one of them. I hope I can stay strong the rest of the day! I don't know if I'm using the pregnancy and my cravings as an excuse (now's the only time I can!) but we'll see if I can just be stronger. I'll check in later.

Day 2 - Friday, August 27

Day 2 - Friday, August 27

Prepping food this morning took longer than I thought. I made myself get up at a semi-decent time, but I was still late because of getting food put together. I'll get the timing worked out eventually (and hopefully I'll get to the point where I can actually drag myself out of bed...that's the real problem!) Here's the list I put together last night:

*Spinach wrap
*2 shakes w/ a banana & an Xe
*2 servings strawberries
*a banana
*grapes
*2 turkey slice & laughing cow cheese rolls
*4 hard boiled eggs (I know...but I was feeling really hungry at the time I made my list!)

Didn't quite turn out how I planned. I added more to my shakes, and they turned out SO good!! I ended up with an accidenatlly frozen banana, 10 over-ripe strawberries, an Xe (yay for an energy drink), 8 oz. water, 4 scoops of the protein meal replacement, and a handful of ice. This ended up being both shakes so it lasted me pretty much all day. Like I said, it was SO yummy, though! Definitely worth the extra calories for the taste (and energy!) My mom even liked it (which is saying a LOT). I poured the shakes into metal thermoses and water bottles so I could rotate them through the fridge at work all day (which kept them cold and yummy).

I got to work to see the email about Friday Treat Day. I forgot about that. Sadness. There are a large group of us who take turns bringing treats every Friday. The email today referenced how unhealthy todays treat was. If I were smart, I wouldn't have gone over to even look, but curiosity got the better of me. Rice Krispie treats dipped in chocolate, variety muffin breads, and cookies. Somehow...I resisted. YAY!! I must say...resisting treat day while pregnant? I should get a medal!

9:30 hit (I got to work at 7:30) and I had been drinking my shake too slowly. I was still drinking it...and hungry. Being hungry while drinking the shake is a pretty good sign I'm not drinking fast enough. I broke into my snack bag and had a hard boiled egg. Not too bad, but ya know.

So an ADD tangent...I think that I still have a messed up view of food. Even looking at the list of ALL the food I had planned for the day, I had this strange fear that I would eat through it all too fast and I would end up still being hungry tonight. I know how irrational this is. I know that technically the above list is a LOT of food...but it's just a fear. Breaking into my "snack stash" so early concerned me.

So I kept drinking my shakes throughout the day. I got through a meeting at work to which they had brouoght cookies. Pumpkin Chocolate Chip and Snickerdoodle. My 2 favorite. Come on...really?!? After I passed up muffin bread (which I've been wanting and never got), rice krispie treats (another weakness) I'm faced with snickerdoodles and pumpkin chocolate chip cookies? Yeah...not fair by a long shot. I'm proud to say that I passed the test.

So by 2:30 in the afternoon I was still sipping my shakes and realized that I really needed to pick it up. One bad thing about sipping the shakes is that I wasn't sipping water. I really need to focus on the shakes as "meals" and set a specific time I need to drink them within. I'm not sure how that's going to work...but that was one of today's realizations. I also need to force some extra walking or something because I didn't get any "intentional" exercise in. My days are so long and busy that I need to schedule time for breaks and walking. I attempted that...set breaks in my outlook calendar...then I just dismissed them when the reminders popped up.

So...long day and I didn't eat all of my food. Adding the extra fruit and stuff to the shakes got me closer to the number of calories that I'm supposed to hit in a day...but I'm still a couple hundred off. Here's what I ended up eating today:

*2 shakes w/ Xe, 10 strawberries, & a whole banana
*1 hard boiled egg (although I might fit another one in before bed)
*a whole spinach wrap
*1 turkey slice w/ laughing cow cheese
*1 c. grapes
*10 strawberries (in addition to the 10 in the shake)

I ended up getting 5 glasses of water in so far which is pretty good considering how long I was drinking the shakes. I'll try for a couple of more before bed.

So that's it for day 2 on the diet front. Nothing too terribly exciting to report (except my awesome shake discovery). I promised myself that I would only weigh once a week...but couldn't help myself. Down about 3 lbs, although I'm keeping in mind that there's room for fluxuation, so I'm trying to not get too excited.

I'm not planning ahead for tomorrow. Being the weekend, I have a little more freedom. We'll see how it goes!

Day 1 - Thursday August 26

So I wasn't sure how everything was going to work for food today. I didn't prepare anything ahead of time. I was already running late for work, so I grabbed a bag of shake mix, threw a bunch of food in a bag, and ran out the door. I did stop at WalMart on the way to pick up a personal blender to take to work and use for my shakes. This makes me sad as I've bought 2 bullet blenders in the past and I still have them...I'm just not sure where. I didn't pack up my house last time we moved, and I haven't gone through even half of the boxes yet. I rebuy far too many things I already have.

Considering I didn't plan for the day at all, I didn't do too bad. Ended up eating:
*1 scoop shake
*Turkey slice w/ a wedge of Laughing Cow cheese
*1/2 spinach wrap (whole wrap is 3 wedges laughing cow cheese spread on a spinach tortilla, 3 slices of turkey).
*2 scoop shake
*other 1/2 wrap
*1/2 quesadilla (1 wheat tortilla w/ 1/2 c. cheddar)
*5 Strawberries
*1 c. grapes
*1/2 quesadilla
*2 X Power Squares™

I kept good track as I put together excel sheet to print out and put in my planner. Each page has a week's worth of information. There will be improvements eventually, but it's helpful for now. Maybe I'll take a picture or scan it or something when I get home...we'll see. I also made a page for me to list the calorie content for foods I eat frequently or new food combinations I've made up.

I did learn a few things today. First, the personal blender didn't work so well. I ended up returning it on my way home. I decided that it's worth taking the time to make the shakes in the morning to have ready. I also learned that the shake isn't great on it's own, which I expected. I tried adding a little coconut extract to one and banana extract to the other, and I just don't have the proportions down. I'll have to play around with them a bit over the next few days. I also learned that I don't want to do a shake with just the 1 scoop of the meal replacement. It's makes it too thin and watery. I definitely learned that I want to plan my food ahead of time and prepare it ahead of time.

Changes I noticed? I'm still very tired. This is just the first day, so I didn't expect a lot...but with my using the energy drinks like I have been the last few days...I need to incorporate them. I also noticed that I had to run to the bathroom at least every hour. Being 7 months pregnant a lot of people expect this of me anyway, but I know I wasn't drinking enough water before today...so it was a little frustrating (especially because I was in meetings from 12:30 until 3:30 with barely enough time to run in between meetings!)

Something kind of fun is that I noticed the baby moving a little more. I'm not sure if it was in response to the change in diet or if it's just one of those days, but I figure it's worth mentioning in case I come back to it in the future.

The last thing I noticed is the exercise. This is going to be a difficult one for me, as I already feel extremely wussy. I did have to run between buildings for meetings and used the stairs instead of the elevator at work. I also had a laundry marathon tonight, and with a disabled husband I'm carrying the loads up and down the stairs and getting things put away (although he did help some with the folding and putting away, which did help a lot!)

That's about it. I'm sure that's enough for one day! More information than anyone else wants to look at I'm sure, but since this if for my reference...you can skip what you want to :-) I did get my food planned for tomorrow which should make the prep work in the morning a lot easier.

OH!! I also weighed myself on my scale at home so that I would have a starting point. I will only weigh myself once a week (Saturday night or Sunday morning), but my starting point on my home scale is 190 (eek!)

Day 1 down...bring on tomorrow!

The night before...

The night before...

In preparation of starting my Xocai meal replacement plan, I went shopping. I don't have the materials yet which give a more specific guideline, so I texted Jennifer to ask what I can eat for my 1800 calories each day. Lean proteins, fruits, veggies, & whole grains. Well...kind of straight forward but leaves some room for error. Here's what I ended up buying:

*Strawberries
*Turkey Lunch Meat
*Spinach Tortillas
*Whole Wheat Tortillas

Not the largest variety, but I figured I had a few things at home that I could combine with those things. Jen & LaRue (also in the trial) came by that night to bring me the meal replacement stuff and to chat a bit about how to get started and everything. We discussed the possibility of my having 4 shakes a day instead of 2, and using 1 scoop of meal replacement instead of 2. This would give me the same nutrients, but spread it out a bit throughout the day. I worried that with my gastric maybe the full shake wouldn't fit in my tummy as well.

We also talked about their table that they are getting for the "What Women Want" show Sept 24 & 25. I'm excited to be able to try the product before going to the show! It'll give me some experience to speak to.

I'm not sure exactly how the day will go tomorrow, but I'll jut do my best. At least I have a plan to follow now!

Weight Loss While Pregnant?!?

My name is Coleen, and this is my "Drop it with Chocolate" weight loss blog. I'll warn you ahead of time that there will be some information on here that's TMI. Too bad, it's my blog :-) Before I get too far, here's what you need to know to know the basics of my day to day life:

*I'm 32
*I'm married to a WONDERFUL husband, Matt, who just happens to be a little disabled at the moment so I am the sole bread winner for my little family. (I don't point this out because I'm upset, I point this out so that when stresses get REALLY bad...as they tend to...there's a bit of understanding of my situation).
*I have 3 beautiful (most of the time ;-) ) children thanks to my husband bringing them into my life when we got married. 14 year old girl, 13 year old boy, and a 10 year old boy. They currently live with their egg donor, which I will keep my feelings about to myself...just in case. Never know who ends up finding these things!
*I'm 7 months pregnant with my first home grown little boy. This also adds to the stress, of course. Not to mention the emotions, body changes, etc.
*I currently work full time helping large businesses sell online, and attempting to keep them in line with the rules of the website that I work for.
*I had gastric bypass 3 years ago. I started at 325 lbs and the lowest weight I hit (a little over a year ago) was about 135 lbs.

I'm sure there's more to share, just can't think of it off the top of my head right now. I'm sure I'll share more as it becomes relevant :-)

Ok, before I get too many people freaking out about my trying to "lose weight" while 7 months pregnant, hear me out. I'm 5'4 and started out at 142 lbs at my first appt with the ob/gyn. I knew that the whole idea of pregnancy after gastric bypass could get tricky, but honestly it wasn't exactly planned. I know that it's meant to be because there's NO other way things would have lined up so perfectly (disabled husband, I only have 1 ovary, on bc at the time, although I was on antibiotics for a short period of time also. Yeah, I know what antibiotics do to bc, but I thought that it would still be a long shot with the rest of the issues).

Oh, did I also mention I have ADD? I do. This is important as I tangent easily :-)

So pregnancy and gastric bypass. My body is already completely different from most people's, and just when I was getting used to my body's eating schedule & style again, I start growing a little boy in me. This changes everything. All of a sudden, I'm eating only junk, getting sick a LOT, constantly SO hungry, and wanting to eat and not wanting to eat at the exact same time. With my daily stress load (I refer you to bullet points, above), I have made it through the last 7 months by getting through day by day the best I can. Eating what I can when I can, and I'll admit that I gained an unhealthy attachment to Dr. Pepper (which is SO odd since I never touched the stuff before I was pregnant). The ob/gyn mentioned that the Dr. Pepper was ok because it would help my body with the whole ADD thing since I can't take adderall while pregnant. This was my "permission" which allowed me to think that I could just drink as much as I wanted and I would be ok.

Well of course, this was not ok. Again, I was just getting through every day the best I could...some days feeling like I was eating everything in sight and other days feeling like I wasn't eating enough to sustain even just the baby, let alone myself. I take my prenatal vitamins and stuff, but with the gastric, how much of that do I really absorb? I was constantly wanting something better for this little one. He definitely deserves it.

I have been dabbling with the concept of Xocai Healthy Chocolate. This company isn't hugely known yet, but it's there. They came out with the healthiest energy drink I've ever seen back at the end of last year. About a week ago I attempted to give up my Dr. Pepper and the Xe Xoçai Energy™ Drink has been a life saver. It really works with keeping me awake and going. Right after I found out I was pregnant, the company started talking about a meal replacement and weight loss plan that they were working on. They selected 50 people to be a part of the trial and study. My sister, Jennifer, was one of the lucky few to be selected. I wasn't planning on trying it until at least November because, well, baby. Jennifer is an RN, and the more she learned about the meal replacement the more she started to check into whether or not it was safe during pregnancy. It's entirely healthy (a lot healthier than I have already been eating). She checked in with the Dr. who is overseeing the trial (who had nothing to do with Xocai before this trial so there's no bias), and he said that this would actually be a lot better for most pregnant women than how they were eating already. I definitely fall into that group!

I've been gaining too much weight throughout my pregnancy. I didn't know if this had to do with my body processing food more quickly because of the gastric so I was ALWAYS hungry, it had a lot to do with the crap that I was eating, and of course the Dr. Pepper. When I stepped on my scale a couple of weeks ago and saw 185, I panicked and messaged Jennifer to say, "Ok, I need to order this stuff NOW." We were both busy and I lost the urgency as I kept myself off of the scale. This last Monday, I had an appointment with my ob/gyn and I was up to 192. The 50 lb mark. I know that there are pregnant women who gain that much (and more) but weight gain in general scares the crap outta me because of where I started before gastric. I've also been scared that with how much I've been eating with this pregnancy, what if my stomach stretches more?

This brings me to my decision (I know, finally!) The Xocai meal replacement plan will consist of me replacing 2 meals a day with the X Protein Meal™ Shake, combined with an 1800 cal (because I'm pregnant...1200 for women & 1500 for men) diet consisting of mostly lean proteins and fruits & veggies. There are other suggestions, but I'll post them at a later time. This is already getting too long!

Because this is a new product and I don't have any pregnant women to watch and compare with, I've decided to keep a daily blog of my progress/concerns/discoveries...pretty much how I feel and what I like and don't like on a day to day basis. We'll see how this goes!